All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. ~Walt Disney

Sunday, June 1, 2008

"light blub" moment

Let me begin by saying that I have a big heart... I will accept anybody for who they are and love them for their unique individuality. Unfortunately, this has gotten me into trouble many times because I get myself involved in relationships with family and friends and end up investing more and more and eventually I get taken advantage of. I really can't help it though, it's just part of my personality. When I gain a close friendship with someone whether they are part of my family or not, I tend to dive in head first and put my everything into it, I would do anything for my family and friends. Not because I'm desperate, but because I have so much love in my heart to give to people that I just cant contain myself. But so many times people take advantage of that love that I give them and as soon as they realize that I need to be loved in return they just up and walk right out of my life, generally in a very hurtful manner. I have had a very hard time adjusting to all the pain and abandonment and find myself wondering what I did wrong. I had a “light bulb” moment this morning, it has nothing to do with me but with the others inability to accept and return the love and friendship that I extend….I feel much better.


Heather said...

I'm glad the light went on. xoxox

lucy said...

you are one of the most generous people I've ever met with a big heart.

Noelle said...

I know we are related somehow. I am Noelle (Georgie's 12th child). Who are you exactly?

My blog is if you want to check it out.

becausethesunrises said...

In the past, during “911,’’ or even the deaths of Princess Diana or Mother Teresa, whole nations (nearly the whole world) came together to mourn the loss of very remarkable women. People rarely are closer than when they face a loss or serious crisis.

It would be ridiculous to compare the remarkable, life-touching, spiritually uplifting work of Mother Teresa to our existence. We often work on our own time to find a way to clean up highways, send food to homeless shelters and take up collections to donate to the victims of earthquakes or tsunamis, or give a small secret gift to a loved one. We do a lot for our families, homes, neighbors and community.

It strikes me as odd, however, that when our family is threatened by each other, facing a small (infinitesimal) crisis, family seldom comes together in the same way. Is it because we don’t inspire the strong emotional ties that families would if we were attacked by the outside world? When things go wrong with difficulties and misunderstandings, we don’t always rally around those who need us as we would our own child. Why?

While this letter cannot provide trust or comfort, it’s surely nice to find something that can bring some strength to our simple existence. I am so impressed that when we get together after many decades of our painful past, we really are close. We consider extended relatives as important! I think we all have a deep understanding of this. After a long absence we catch up so lovingly. The doubts then come later. Why blame others for our own insecurities? There are ones who try to unify and build. I believe with all my heart that our family, each individually, has the very best intentions.

In families the smallest persecution is the hardest to take!!! No one understands!!!

It is easier to ignore our own feelings of inadequacy till we overact in a covert way. We commiserate in our minds until we feel justified in causing a rift. Then coldness and distance ensue. The safe thing seems to be to imagine meanness in a past comment. Is it meant to destroy or to clarify? Do we really need to understand and agree on everything? Impossible!

If we are given to (served) freely we may turn on the flagrant exemplary giver for we have felt an obligation that overwhelms us. It is easier to build a case against someone than to reciprocate when we haven’t thought of it first!!! They didn't serve right??? No one can be perfect. If someone is always wonderful, does it threaten us because we aren't so wonderful. Do we get complacent and lazy? It threatens our right to drift. Have we always expressed thanks when we are given freely? We want to only give what we want? Loving another is giving what they desire. Can we do that? At times.

Watch out! If we desire closeness/friendship with a confidant and we build it on trite, small gossip we are building our new relationship on a shaky/dirty foundation. We cannot make good things out of bad. Our confidant is onto us. They know what we do in secret! We know they listen.... or worse. Often a victim of gossip goes through a real hell, alone, isolated and ostracized. Usually, they gossip about a victim who is unable or unwilling to fight back and the victim is forced to accept whatever accusations or punishments others are meting out to them. Pretty sad.

What is ultimately accepted as right or wrong within the secretive group may be decided by just one person. Anyone challenging those decisions is seen as endangering the friendship. Family members are usually very sensitive in picking up on even silent dissenters Differences, real or imagined, when they are revealed, will upset the status quo and the verbal assault will escalate. They cut anyone out who will not defend their agenda. With bad timing, gossip has the capacity to do some serious harm. There are situations where it is almost impossible to discriminate between the real and the 'illusion'. Never forget the fact that innocent people can be a victim. Persecution is real and consequent suffering may be severe. This is a direct reflection of our society ills.

I NEVER LIKED THAT GUY AFTER I DONE HIM WRONG! Being unable to personally own up to our own weakness or fears is too threatening, so the victim gets it! Squeek a teensy dig in???? Not good.

Any person whose behavior differs from that of his fellows may constitute a threat to others. If you think that the target is always somehow inferior or weaker than others, look around and think again. Sometimes a person may be chosen to be a scapegoat because their best qualities far surpass family standards. Excellence can make you different. Your superior qualities may arouse group envy or insecurity. You may then be chosen as a scapegoat because some key figure in the group is threatened by the way you look, give freely, talk , walk or dress...

Transitions, like a new marriage, family crisis, job, house, child, death etc. can cause a feeding frenzy in most families. Scapegoating abounds. This is where stress will unite perpetrators in a family.

Invisible psychological scapegoating where nothing much happens outwardly, the scapegoat is quietly ignored behind the scenes. No one does anything earth shaking, yet everyone senses the ongoing scapegoating process and follows the subconscious group etiquette in projecting undefined but very real negativity towards the poor scapegoat. Any single individual may not do anything momentous. The group acts like a many-headed monster - everyone acts as he or she is expected to, which means that innumerable small acts of rejection create almost total ostracism. Invisible scapegoating may be the hardest to take. It is typically difficult to come to grips, yet often very real,

Wherever a victim turns, he meets a cold shoulder. Phone calls may not be returned, letters are left unanswered, achievements/service/gifts the scapegoat has given, are not recognized. All this without explanations or excuses. Their questions or suggestions are disregarded. Then they are not invited anywhere or given meaningful tasks. There may also be backbiting and subtle negative interpretations of his actions. Subversive covert persecution is hard to spot. Most perpetrators are indifferent, unaware, shameless and hardened. Verbal abuse and body language is insidious and is hard to pinpoint when a perpetrator is so secretive.

Successful people are usually those that have provided good examples and inspired their family and friends to come together in times of trouble. Look at the crises we have overcome and have faced in years past. Lack of understanding was often the culprit. We do need each other to create unity. Lifelong strong leadership would have given us the example of trust and loyalty. A daily example would have given us courage to have trust. It would have given us solid footing. In time we will understand our elders as they were. Forgive, for they did the best they could with their experience.

Our adult children deserve the utmost respect. Embarking on an adventure of establishing an organized family unit is always their purpose. Honor, forgive, bring loyalty as we regroup and heal. We need faith in people for we will understand everything in our own time.

Real damage has existed. It is then again and again brought up in our minds. Then our memory is the assaulter! Let it go. No one is perfect! People just want to be happy.
Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way...forgiveness. ... .. How wonderful are the blessings of mercy and forgiveness. ...

A parent unremarkable in parenting skills will pit one child against another, bringing a false sense of their own importance. Everyone plays along fearing the parent will turn on them next. Another family member upon hearing a complement of someone, uses subterfuge to discredit their loved one who is threatening their security.

Let us build our manners, grace, tact and sensitivity! Charm/charisma is not a lost art. Think Roseanne Barr! We like to make others feel important. Supernanny tv will teach you how to, with dignity, have authority over your children. Watch it every Wednesday night. A mother without authority is empty! You can raise children with grace and fun. Teach the GOLDEN rule.

We will have growing pains. It is inevitable... We are all fallible. We can put ourselves in time out for a little while.

How can we inspire everyone to come together? We can put our unnecessary feelings aside and serve the greater good. We need to include our immediate family, to come together for this group collecting fun experiences, stories, photos, it’s time to unify the members of our extended families. We all enjoy those who inspire us. We will be fascinated by the dynamics of our discussions and our fun activities when we feel safe. It is through a clear plan of harmony known to all. We all desire success, faith, trust and a future of supporting each other. With patience regarding our differences we will have sincere heartfelt love. May the Lord bless you my beloved family.

Anonymous said...

You are the most giving, caring, loving, forgiving person I know. You have done so much for everyone I know and I am sorry that you are hurt. I know that you do the best you can but sometimes people are immature and just plain selfish. Look at it this way, you won't be hurt by them again, you know better....their lose anyway right? Don't stop being who you are, you are awesome and mean so much to many. And you are right, some people just are in it for them selfs and don't know how to be genuine.

Anonymous said...

With friends/family like this who needs enemies!!